What would it look like for people to feel supported in the hours and months after a death?
In 2021, the UK Commission on Bereavement asked that question. Actually, they asked several questions. They did surveys and reviewed the literature and held several consultations.
It was in the middle of the pandemic, with an increase in deaths and a decrease in the familiar ways we grieve with other people.
“Bereavement is Everyone’s Business” is their report, released in 2022. Among the wealth of resources, the commission suggests 8 ways in which we can talk about what bereaved people would like to be true, described as “Principles of Change.”
- I am supported by my family, my friends and the communities around me
- I am sensitively supported by my school, college or workplace during my bereavement
- I am well supported before and during the death, and feel confident that the person who died received appropriate and compassionate care
- The things I must do after a death are simple and straightforward
- I am compassionately and helpfully supported by those whose job brings them into contact with me through my bereavement
- I have access to an affordable and meaningful funeral
- I feel secure in my home and have the right financial support
- I can easily find and access the right emotional support for my circumstances
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These eight items are both aspirational and analytical. They involve individual, private, and public help. Just as a list, they could serve as an assessment. A five-point scale with a bunch of demographic questions would show where groups or parts of the country or parts of the world fall.
The knowledge that a community, with hospitals and public health officials and churches and employers, has prepared people to respond with “agree or highly agree” would make me feel better for the people in the parking lot, gathering the courage to leave the hospital after this death.
For example, I hope that my coworkers provided care for their loved one and for them. Good medical care, of course, but also orientation about the decisions related to dying, and the emotional support that is needed. I’m confident that my chaplain colleague helped them with the simple, painful step of choosing a funeral home.
I also know, however, that we aren’t the ones who can explain purchasing funeral services, figuring out life insurance, contacting government agencies. And I hope that the people who have those answers are gentle and honest and supportive.
I know that there are some friend groups and employers that will be helpful and supportive. I know that there are many that will not.
Every day people say, “I’ve never done this before.” And in the middle of their grief, they begin. I’d love for us, all together, to be helpful.
I’m curious, of course, whether that list resonates with you. As you read them and you think of your own experiences with death and grief, do those 8 items provide something for us to work toward?
Grief literacy helps us all. 